I woke up recently to the news that all the supermarkets had run out of toilet paper. With a solitary unused roll sitting on my bathroom windowsill, this was a worrying development.
It was difficult to think clearly as it was early, but what was clear was that, one, I needed the toilet, and, two, I needed to drastically conserve toilet paper. It just goes to show, I thought, as I rationed a couple of squares and did a mental stock take of available tissue-like products in my house a few minutes later, that you never know what you will wake up to. The only thing that is certain in this world is that it will change. Tomorrow will not be the same as today, but you better fucking be ready for it, because tomorrow will be here before you know it and there may not be any toilet roll left by then.
The toilet paper crisis was, apparently, precipitated by a rumour that toilet paper factories were switching production to facemasks in response to the global flu pandemic that was sweeping aside reason and rationality the world over with alarming speed. Would you rather take a one in a million shot of getting flu or face the certainty that you will run out of toilet paper at home in the next 48 hours and have no way to replace it? Quite the quandary.
Anyway, change in this world happens quickly and often without you noticing it. Remember when pictures of food were slightly out of focus, generally shot from the side (not above), and poorly lit? Every photo of food I took before about 2015 would have been well at home on a disappointing picture-based Chinese restaurant menu in an even more disappointing suburb in 1973. But now, holy hell. Unless your avocado on toast is photographed from above and covered with glitter, blow up unicorns and girls with a centre parting and square eyebrows, I won’t even look at it. I fear I would be escorted out of a restaurant and publicly shamed if I even dreamt of taking a photo of food from the side rather than by standing on my chair and trying to angle my phone so the screen is simultaneously directly above my head and the food but also able to be operated to take a good photo.
In fairness to Instagram and its generation, creating beauty in food is by no means a bad thing. I literally eat with my eyes on a daily basis and, happily, can now discriminate between what is likely an average and a bad restaurant without having to bother spending my money to go and find out in person. Pretty much all food now looks absolutely fucking delicious. And it has to, because if it doesn’t then no-one is going to show their friends the photos and you won’t get more customers.
The world, of course, still needs obliging throwbacks to remind us all of just how far we’ve come. Like my friend-of-a-friend on Insta “Ketowens”. This wonderful, spectacular lady is a keto-diet fan from the Midwest of the USA. She has, ostensibly, lost an absolute tonne of weight eating keto and finds it self-reinforcing to post pictures of her keto creations on the Gram. And good for her for doing so. I follow her because her content tickles me. Her photography is endearingly appalling. The green plastic plate with built in dividers for meat and veg makes a regular appearance, and she loves to make liberal use of the old-school “side on” photography style that I generally favoured before 2015. It is hilariously and charmingly absent of irony or self-consciousness, which is exactly how it should be if you are trying to lose weight and keep yourself on track. If I’m being honest though, her food also looks absolutely disgusting. It is typically what looks like overcooked meat, covered in cheese, covered in bacon. I dubbed a recent favourite “barf on steak”, although I couldn’t match her captioning skills when she dubbed two sausage patties with an egg in the middle (eaten sandwich style, no bun, from Dunkin’ Donuts) “Keto on the go”. I belly laughed so hard at that one I was sick a bit in my mouth at the same time. Bravo Ketowens.
But the fact of the matter is, I’ve never eaten her food, and it may well be delicious. Perhaps barf on steak is actually tasty. I mean, it’s probably not judging by the photos, but you never know. Even if you shot barf from steak from above it would probably still look like barf on steak.
My point is, though, that even in this era of glitter on avocado on rainbows on toast, you shouldn’t judge by appearances. It’s not all overhead shots and big sunglasses on an empty beach with the peace sign that make things delicious. A case in point is Gyuugoku Stone Grill Steak, a small steak restaurant where the “thing” is that you order your steak at a vending machine. Bear in mind, this isn’t really a “thing” as it is not a hipsterised vending machine, or a vending machine outside a trendy ramen restaurant in Tokyo. It is just a vending machine. A slightly beaten up white one where you choose how much steak you want and what cut, feed your money into the slot and get a ticket you then give to the staff to cook. You help yourself to rice, soup, sliced cabbage salad and hot water and eat in a fairly canteen-like setting.
When the steak arrives, as it does on a hot black stone and covered in a bit of kitchen paper so it cooks at the table, I am hungry and have already devoured the very acceptable soup and most of the cabbage. The steak, a 300g ribeye from Australia, is, once I’ve let it cook for a bit, pretty decent. Not spectacular, but not the worst kind of chewy you sometimes get. Similar quality to what you’d make at home if you buy slightly nicer than average beef, but without any of the hassle of cooking. If I’d have ditched the rice, I’m sure Ketowens would have approved. All told, it is also the frankly ludicrous price of HK$130, which is about the same cost as buying just the steak from the supermarket. So either this business is a front for some kind of underground drug cartel or its profit margins are so thin that it is going out of business at the next rent increase, which would be a real shame.
I attempted an overhead photo, but it came out blurry and slightly lopsided as I couldn’t see the screen. I really don’t know how people do it. Anyway, sometimes it is best to do what Ketowens does – take a photo from the side, enjoy your meal and don’t give a shit about the rest. And if you like inexpensive and hassle free steak, Gyuugoku Stone Grill Steak is the place to do just that.